“Where Are You From?” Bad English, Othering, Conversation, or Belonging?

“Where are from?” A lot of people have a lot of different opinions about that question.

I have a friend who hates it because it’s not the question people are really trying to ask. She doesn’t mind talking about her ethnic background, but if you ask her where she’s from, she’ll steadfastly reply with the name of her hometown, until you catch on to the fact that you’re asking the wrong question, and phrase it correctly. Then she’ll give you the information you’re looking for.

Personally, I think she’s being a bit of a snot. She knows what they mean, she knows it’s being used as an idiomatic phrase about her ancestry. She knows that when people ask that, they’re probably asking “where are you[r ancestors] from?” But she acts like a big snot until they phrase it the way that she thinks it should be phrased before she gives them the answer she knows they’re looking for.

There are other people who hate this question because they see it as an example of “othering.” They see it as pointing out that you’re different, “not really one of us”, and “don’t belong here.” You know…”You’re not a real American…where are you from, anyway?” But that’s not how many of my generation see that question. The “othering” concept is as foreign to us as the othering concept tries to make the person of a different background.

To many of my generation, the question of “where are you from” was more akin to “what flavor are you?” We all knew that we were from different backgrounds, that we were all different flavors, and it was fun knowing which flavors we were, and talking about them. As I look back, I can recall that Dorothy and Muffy were Italian, Horace was Jamaican, Jimmy was Greek, Matthew was from India, Sophia was from Taiwan, Nancy and John were Jewish, Herbie was German, Linda was Polish, Josie was Puerto Rican, Sheri and Roxi were Norwegian, etc. Wanting to know “where everyone was from” was a natural thing. It wasn’t a divisive thing. It wasn’t an “othering” thing. It was simple curiosity. If we heard an unfamiliar sounding last name, we wanted to know where it was from…and we asked.

It was also part of a thing we used to call “making conversation.” But nowadays I’m told that it’s rude, insensitive, and a potential “microaggression” to ask someone what their ethnic background is when you first meet them, based on what they look like or their name, because it potentially sets them apart as “different” and “other.” You can ask about that later on, when you get to know them better. Maybe.

And then, on the other end of the spectrum, comes the version of the question that comes from a sense of belonging and inclusion. My two, biracial, daughters are regularly asked where they’re from…or more specifically, if they’re X, Y, or Z….by people who are X, Y, or Z themselves, and think that they’ve met someone else like them. They’re excitedly being asked, “Are you one of us too?”

Especially by guys.

I have a friend who’s Puerto Rican and German, and I joke that she wants to take over the world…mañana. But you wouldn’t know this when you first met her…at least I didn’t. Her ethnically ambiguous look and plain vanilla Anglo name didn’t give me any clues. But she said that all of her Hispanic friends see it in her immediately, and whenever she meets someone from Latin America or the Caribbean, their first question is, “We know you’re one of us. Where are you from?”

This is definitely a case of belonging. It’s like “You’re from Jersey too? What exit?”

So which question is it? Is it always the same question? Should we always react the same way to it, or should we understand that it could be one of many possible questions before we get all bent out of shape about it? Could we maybe assume that no assume that no ill will is intended when that question is asked?

I know what I think.