When You're No Longer the Standard

When I was in college, back in the 70s and 80s, I had a friend who hated the Sexual Revolution. She had many reasons for this, which I may go into in a later post, but one of her big reasons for hating it was that it meant that she was no longer an example of the standard. You see, before the Sexual Revolution the “standard”, which was part of an infamous double standard, was that “good girls” waited until they were married to have sex. Oh yes, we all knew or knew of girls who were doing it beforehand, but that was an open secret until they got “caught” and “shamed” by an unplanned pregnancy. My friend was a “good girl”, was proud of being a “good girl”, and looked down her nose to make “special allowances” for those “sluts”, as she called them, who had sex with their boyfriends…even their boyfriends who they were engaged to.

But the Sexual Revolution was a total game changer. Not only did no one really care whether or not you and your boyfriend were sleeping together, but it was pretty much assumed that if you’d been together for more than three months, you were. Not only that, but if you weren’t, then people might make “special allowances” for you due to “religious reasons.” But most likely, they just didn’t care what you did or didn’t do. If you had sex, it was OK. If you didn’t have sex, it was OK.

“Special allowances”? My friend was incensed. How dare the people she used to make special allowances for make special allowances for her, when she was supposed to be the standard? How dare people not care that she was being “good”? How dare not having sex become just another acceptable option, and not the standard to which everyone should be held, and that she was the flagbearer of?

She was pissed. And 40 years later, I’m still not sure if she’s gotten past this.

But I’m not really here to talk about my old friend’s attitude about pre-marital sex. I’m here to talk about changing social standards...of all kinds, and how many of us react when what we grew up thinking was the right way, the only way, becomes just one of many acceptable options in the buffet of life. How do we handle it when people graciously “make space for us”, rather than us sanctimoniously making space for them?

You see, that’s what I think one of our big problems is today…people who once exemplified the standard, or who thought they exemplified the standard…which may have only been the standard in their little corner of the universe…coming to grips with the concept that, unless we’re talking about human sacrifice, their ideas may not be a standard at all, but just one of many acceptable ideas out there for people to choose from.

The problem is people who are used to looking down their noses at those who didn’t believe or act according to their standards being told that maybe it’s more a case of steak or chicken than Luke and Darth Vader, not being able to handle that…and feeling a little resentful that all their hard work to live up to that standard doesn’t matter. The problem is also when these people try to force others into either living by or codifying their stricter standards in order to defend their choices and hard work.

But maybe, just maybe if we spent less time looking down our noses as we defended our choices, we’d be able to see into the other person’s eyes…

And enjoy a good dinner together at the chicken and steak buffet restaurant.

May the Force be with you.