Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Just Because Your Heart is in the Right Place...

...doesn’t mean you’re doing or saying the right thing; or that it will be taken the way you intended.

Now, before I go on, let me make it perfectly clear that this is not a “poor pitiful me” piece about how I’ve become another male victim of changing times and social expectations. Far from it. Rather, it’s about how I wish I’d known certain things as far back as over 40 years and as recently as within the past year…not just for my own benefit, but for the benefit of those I thought I was being kind to and thoughtful of. So if I see any accusations of that in the responses, you will be ignored.

There’s an old Scandinavian saying that goes “We are too soon old and too late smart.” Ain’t that the truth! If I knew then half of what I knew now, I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes, and unintentionally hurt so many people. On the other hand, if I knew then what I know now, I might not have ended up where I am now with my wonderful wife and two very quirky daughters. So I won’t spend much time on regrets.

And yet…I do think about the many things I’ve done or said with the best of intentions that weren’t received the way I meant them to be, or that I discovered years later might have been hurtful rather than helpful.

One of the problems is that I’m a very sensitive person, and I often tend to project on to others how I might feel in a similar situation. As a result, I try to do or say what I’d want said or done to or for me. Ah…lesson number one, the Golden Rule doesn’t always apply. Sometimes people don’t want to be treated as you’d want to be treated.

In one case, I remember roughly 40 years ago, working with a woman, slightly older than me, who I thought was really wonderful…but who, as far as I knew, didn’t have anyone. My friends from grade school will tell you that I’ve been an incurable romantic since at least then, and the incurable romantic in me thought that this person deserved to have someone think she was special, which she was. So I did what I thought I’d want someone to do for me…I had flowers sent to her at work anonymously.

Boy, did that cause a commotion in the office when they arrived; and everyone was wondering who they came from. I managed to keep a poker face throughout this whole thing, and I thought, “There, she must feel good now, knowing that she has a secret admirer out there somewhere.”

Oh, how incredibly naïve of me at 20-something. 30 or so years later the little light went on over my head, and I realized that far from making her feel good, it might have made her feel bad, and it might have given her attention that she didn’t want. Sigh. I did my well-intentioned best with what I understood, and how I processed the world, at the time.

Another issue is my 19 years teaching…my 19 years teaching teenagers…my 19 years teaching teenaged girls, who often need to be reassured that they’re fine just the way they are. I’d like to think that I did a good job at that; of letting them know that they didn’t need to be one clothing size smaller, two bra sizes bigger, and spend hours on makeup that hid their natural beauty. However, what works when you’re the trusted and admired teacher of teenagers doesn’t always work, and isn’t always wanted, when you’re the colleague or friend of adults. I’ve learned that the hard way a number of times. Oh, my heart was definitely in the right place, but a lot of awkwardness ensued as a result of my not understanding that.

If only I knew that before opening my mouth!

I could go on…and maybe I will…some other time. I figure this is long enough for now!

1 comment:

  1. I'm 57 years old and female. I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with COPD and I was beyond scared! My lung function test indicated 49% capacity. After having had flu a year ago, the shortness of breath, coughing and chest pains continued even after being treated with antibiotics. I've been smoking two packs a day for 36 years. Being born without a sternum caused my ribs to be curled in just one inch away from my spine, resulting to underdeveloped lungs. At age 34 I had surgery and it was fixed. Unfortunately my smoking just caused more damage to my already under developed lungs. The problem was having is that I enjoy smoking and don't want to give up! Have tried twice before and nearly went crazy and don't want to go through that again. I saw the fear in my husband and children's eyes when I told them about my condition then they start to find solution on their own to help my condition.I am an 57 now who was diagnose COPD emphysema which I know was from my years of smoking. I started smoking in school when smoking was socially acceptable. I remember when smoking was permitted in hospitals. It was not known then how dangerous cigarettes were for us, and it seemed everybody smoked but i was able to get rid of my COPD lung condition through the help of  Dr Akhigbe   total cure herbal medicine. my husband saw his testimony on the internet he used his powerful medicine to cured different diseases. we contacted his email   [drrealakhigbe@gmail.com}   He has the right herbal formula to help you get rid and repair any lung conditions and others diseases, will cure you totally and permanently with his natural organic herbs,We received the medicine through courier delivery service. I wish anybody who starts smoking at a young age would realize what will eventually happen to their bodies if they continue that vile habit throughout their life.
    Dr Akhighe also cured diseases like, HERPES, DIABETES, HIV/AIDS, COPD, CANCER,ASTHMA,STROKE,LUPUS,JOINT PAIN,CHRONIC DISEASES,PARKINSON DISEASES,TUBERCULOSIS,HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE,BREAST INFECTION,WOMEN SEXUAL PROBLEM, GINGIVITIS, ERYSIPELAS,STAPHYLOCOCCUS,HEPATITIS A/B, QUICK EJACULATION, IMMUNOTHERAPY, GONORRHEA,SYPHILIS,WAST/BACK PAIN,PELVIC INFLAMMATORY, DICK ENLARGEMENT,HEART DISEASES,TERMINAL ILLNESS,SHIFT IN FOCUS,ATAXIA,COMMON COLD,CROHN'S DISEASES,ALCOHOL SPECTRUM DISORDER,GRAVES DISEASE,HEARING LOSS, INTERSTITIA CYSTITIS,LEUKEMIA,MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS,OBESITY,RABIS,SCOLIOSIS,INFLUENZA, POLIO,JACOB,ETC. If you are out there looking for your cure please  contact  dr Akhigbe  by his email    drrealakhigbe@gmail.com     or contact his whatsapp number   +2349010754824
    God bless you Dr Akhigbe for your good hand work on my life.

    ReplyDelete